We Don’t Attract What We Want — We Attract What We Are
2 days ago | Proactive HealthBy Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
(How Your Inner World Creates Your Outer Life)
Have you ever wanted something really badly — a great friendship, a winning game, or a cool opportunity — and wondered why it didn’t happen?
Maybe you tried super hard, but it felt like life just wasn’t giving it to you.
There’s a big idea that explains this, and it's something that scientists and spiritual teachers agree on:
“We don’t attract what we want. We attract what we are.”
In simple words, it means:
- It’s not enough to want something.
- You have to be the kind of person who matches what you want.
This idea isn’t just “feel-good advice” — it’s backed by psychology, brain science, and even energy research!
Let’s break it down in a way that makes sense — and see how you can use it to create a better life.
What Does "We Attract What We Are" Actually Mean?Imagine you're a radio sending out signals.
Whatever you feel, believe, and think — that’s the signal you’re broadcasting.
And the world sends back matching "stations" based on what you're putting out!
If you feel confident and kind, you'll likely attract people and opportunities that match that energy.
If you feel scared or unsure, you might find yourself stuck or missing good chances.
So, wanting success, friendship, love, or happiness isn’t enough.
You have to feel and act like the kind of person who already has it.
The Psychology Behind It: Your Self-Image Matters
Psychologists have studied how our self-concept — the way we see ourselves — affects everything we do.
A famous psychologist named Carl Rogers found that people act in ways that match how they think about themselves. If you believe you're smart and strong, you’ll try harder and bounce back faster when life gets tough. If you secretly think you’re not good enough, you might give up faster — even if you really want to succeed.
Recent research:
- In 2021, a study found that students who believed they were capable and resilient did better in school (Frontiers in Psychology, 2021).
Another study in 2024 showed that teens with positive self-esteem were happier and liked their lives more (PMC Journal, 2024).
Real-Life Example
Maria was an amazing artist, but she always doubted herself.
Even though she dreamed of selling her paintings, she kept setting low prices and hiding her work.
When she started believing that her art mattered — and that she was good enough — she became more confident. She charged fair prices, shared her work proudly, and soon, people lined up to buy from her!
She didn’t need to "want" it more. She needed to become someone who believed in herself.
The Brain Science: Your Mind Predicts What You Experience
Scientists who study the brain have found something really cool called predictive processing.
Your brain is constantly making guesses about what’s going to happen next — based on what you already believe.
If you believe the world is full of good chances, your brain looks for them.
If you believe things always go wrong, your brain focuses on problems — even when good things are right there!
Recent brain research:
- A 2024 study showed that our brains make predictions even when we’re just listening to words (The Journal of Neuroscience, 2024).
Another study confirmed that our brains are always trying to match what we already expect (Scientific Reports, 2021).
Real-Life Example
Wanting success, friendship, love, or happiness isn’t enough.You have to feel and act like the kind of person who already has it.
James and Alan went to a big networking event to find internships.
James felt excited and believed people would want to meet him.
Alan felt nervous and believed no one would care.
At the event:
- James smiled, started conversations, and met lots of new people.
- Alan stayed quiet, avoided eye contact, and went home feeling ignored.
The event was the same — their inner beliefs made the difference.
You know how you can just feel if a room is happy or tense, even before anyone speaks?
That's because people give off energy!
Scientists at the HeartMath Institute found that the heart actually sends out an energy field much bigger than the brain’s.
When you feel emotions like love, gratitude, and peace, your heart beats in a smooth, powerful way that affects your body and even people around you (McCraty, 2015).
Recent discoveries:
- A 2024 study suggested that heart rhythms can actually shape how your brain works. This study also supports the idea that HRV could be a useful, non-invasive biomarker — a kind of early warning sign — for detecting cognitive decline before more serious memory loss or dementia develops.
- Another study in 2024 showed that a calm heart rhythm helps you think better and make smarter choices (Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 2024).
Lina decided to do a 30-day gratitude challenge — writing three things she was thankful for every day.
Without even trying to "get" anything, she noticed:
- New friends showed up
- A cool job offer appeared
- She felt happier and lighter
She didn’t force anything.
Her energy changed first — and life responded.
How to Start Attracting What You Really Want
You don’t have to force the world to change.
You can change your energy, your mindset, and your actions — and the world will respond.
Here’s how:
|
What To Do |
Why It Works |
|
Feel the Feelings Now |
Instead of waiting to be happy after you succeed, feel happy, proud, or grateful right now. |
|
Act Like Your Future Self |
Imagine the confident, successful, kind version of you — and make choices like they would. |
|
Catch and Shift Negative Thoughts |
When you notice yourself thinking “I can’t,” replace it with “I’m learning” or “I’m growing.” |
|
Use Heart Breathing |
Slow down your breathing and think about something that makes you happy. This calms your heart and brain together! |
Here’s the secret most people don’t realize:
You are not stuck.
You are shaping your life with your energy, your beliefs, and your actions every single day.
- If you want more love, be more loving.
- If you want more success, believe in your worth.
- If you want more peace, be peaceful inside.
You don’t have to chase things.
You just have to become the kind of person who naturally lives in the world you want.
You don’t attract what you want — you attract what you are.
And every moment is a new chance to become even more of the amazing person you already are.
Enjoy your healthy and abundant life!
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to provide medical advice. Please consult with your doctor or another competent healthcare practitioner to get specific medical advice for your situation.
The pH professional health care team includes recognized experts from a variety of health care and related disciplines, including physicians, attorneys, nutritionists, nurses, and certified fitness instructors. This team also includes the members of the pH Medical Advisory Board, which constantly monitors all pH programs, products, and services. To learn more about the pH Medical Advisory Board, click here.
